Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
