Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
