I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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