apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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