Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
