We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
