my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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