Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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