i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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