Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
