This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
