My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
then he tried to convert me to islam
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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