I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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