woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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