yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
