I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
