i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
