All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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