so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
