You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
