i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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