Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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