a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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