My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
