I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
