WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My ass is underappreciated
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
