oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
