The police scanner is talking about you again....
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
