I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I have fence marks all over my body
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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