in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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