you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Drunk is not a location!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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