you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
