Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
