I just pynch a tree in the face
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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