when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
