My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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