I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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