He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
