I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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