Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
