I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
