we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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