evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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