I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Randomize
