So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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