I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
