The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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