I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
