I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
