There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
