tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
His nipple licking is glorious
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