A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
