I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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