Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize