mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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