I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
